Present in a world full of pressure

In everything there is a season. A season to sow, and a season to refrain from sowing. A season to rest and a season to work. There is a rhythm to life, especially true when you are running a marathon. That is what we are all doing. Running a race, to finish and to “win the prize”. I think because Jesus even likens life to a race, especially a life of following Him, I have felt pressure. Especially recently, it was as if something was unlocked and exposed…something I had kept hidden and secret, from myself, and God (how unrealistic). Mark 5:25-34 (Passion Translation) 25 Now, in the crowd that day was a woman who had suffered horribly from continual bleeding for twelve yearsh 26 She had endured a great deal under the care of various doctors, yet in spite of spending all she had on their treatments, she was not getting better, but worse. 27 When she heard about Jesus’ healing power, she pushed through the crowd and came up from behind him and touched his prayer shawl. 28 For she kept saying to herself, “If only I could touch his clothes, I know I will be healed.”29 As soon as her hand touched him, her bleeding immediately stopped! She knew it, for she could feel her body instantly being healed of her disease! 30 Jesus knew at once that someone had touched him, for he felt the power that always surged around him had passed through him for someone to be healed. He turned and spoke to the crowd, saying, “Who touched my clothes?” 31 His disciples answered, “What do you mean, who touched you? Look at this huge crowd—they’re all pressing up against you.” 32 But Jesus’ eyes swept across the crowd, looking for the one who had touched him for healing. 33 When the woman who experienced this miracle realized what had happened to her, she came before him, trembling with fear, and threw herself down at his feet, saying, “I was the one who touched you.” And she told him her story of what had just happened. 34 Then Jesus said to her, “Daughter, because you dared to believe, your faith has healed you. Go with peace in your heart, and be free from your suffering!” This week I took a “furlough” as is code for: minister’s taking a breather. I didn’t check out, I checked in. If I was a runner on a marathon then I stopped to stretch my legs, take in the scenery, drink some electrolytes, so I could start running again, this time even stronger. If I was in America right now, I would have experienced the clock falling back as daylight saving time just ended. I would have gained an extra hour and slept a bit longer. But I am not in America, I’m in Cambodia. I can’t just take a car and drive-until. You know that feeling of, “I don’t know what I am after, all I know is I’m lost” (Lyrics from “Can’t live without” by Hollyn)? Yes. Well, that is where I was and actually wanted to be. I wanted to be lost so that I could be found. So, I took a detour from the “field” per say, to run, towards something, to someone…not just anyone, but namely Jesus. Throughout this marathon of missionary life God has faithfully sent reinforcements, encouragers, those who lift up hands and remind you of your identity. You know, the ones that “sing your song back to you” (quote from Steffany Gretziger). They remind you of your call as children of God, as well as help usher in an atmosphere of re-alignment. God actually did it through Janea coming out to Cambodia a few weeks ago. He did it to me back in February when I was able to see my parents in California. He did it in bringing a dear friend and fellow “runner” for Jesus (literally and spiritually speaking), Yonjung from South Korea. He did it through the financial gifts of my great friend and mentor Eli who booked and paid for this “furlough” in the first place. These people are incredible, but they are not quite the super hero that I need, they are more like “doctors”. They have, to some degree, knowledge, heart, passion, patience, and are agents of healing… I am thankful for them. However, they are not the Healer, Source, Savior, and neither am I. I have been putting pressure on them to be that, which has actually pushed the pressure onto myself. I somehow mistakenly, over the course of running my race, have neglected the very God that I need, love, serve, and find peace in. If I could only touch Him... I have a condition, a “disease” if you will…one, we all as humans do, it’s called pride. We think that we can do it alone or without the help of God. To think I actually believed I was a missionary because of ME?! –because of what I can do, my gifts, anointing…besides, I did my time “ “. I was in church ministry for years. I have led many to the Lord…of course I am perfect by now and should be running with perfection, ease, and great stride. No, none of that even matters- having been to Bible College, having done freedom session, having been a youth pastor, having been in ministry for over 12 years, having completed DTS, BCC, having sold everything, having no plan B, no car, no husband…it means nothing, a chasing of the wind. Why? Because, if I am still striving, then I am “bleeding”. If I am to be a “vessel” of the Lord, I need to not just have my patches and holes filled and fixed. I need to be new and delivered once and for all. But this is a marathon. Will we ever be truly perfect, living as co-heirs with Christ, ushering in every promise He ever spoke, truly living like the children of God that we are? I don’t have the answers, I wish I did. Too often, I think that I do. But this is my confession. I don’t…but I know who does. Jesus. That is enough answer for me to come running to Him, again. I don’t want to be “a Jonah”, running away…nor do I want to say “No” to the plan, will, provision, and peace of God but I need a new mindset entirely- a shift. This week, I find myself in a hotel room that smells clean and only has what I need. It honestly looks like a fancy hospital room. I’ll take it. It’s a physical shifting and season of spiritual sifting. Like the woman in Mark, I know where to find Jesus. Past the noise, busyness, and ministry. But sometimes in pride, we want to hide and spend all of our gifts, resources, creative ideas to fix it ourselves. We get the doctors in and strain our energy. Nothing. And I repeat, nothing, can fix me except the one who made me. The one I am praying to has been praying for me all along, prayer shawl and all. This doctor needs an operation. This minister needs a checkup. I need the ultimate physician, minister, healer, counselor, listener, lover, and friend, Jesus, to heal me, really heal me. Here we are. Me. God. And my thoughts, doubts, past, present, future, plans, pressure, promises, gifts, talents, provision, and my Bible. My hands are open and I am bare again before God. I feel completely vulnerable, especially because I left the base suddenly for this furlough. But I had to. I left the pressure for His presence. What was this pressure? The pressure I put on myself to be perfect and to be Jesus. I am not Jesus. I am only His daughter. I can’t stop or accelerate time, I can’t make something out of nothing. I can’t make water. I can only create space, from what He has already given me, to host and contain, like a vessel this water He made, namely, His presence. I can’t hide from God nor can I live with holes forever. It is time to realize that I. Can. Do. Nothing. Apart. From. God. But, “I can do ALL things THROUGH Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). So, here I am, coming to a reckoning. Like Martin Luther had I suppose, or many people for that matter like Paul the Apostle, they all came to this place called the grace of God, which is the simple gospel. Not just the “I will do anything for you Jesus”, grace. No, it’s not a kind of grace that is looking inwards at all. It is a grace that is looking out. He is Grace looking beyond the crowds, asking around, “who touched me?” I am checking in, to check it out. I am touching the shawl of the Lord by looking at Jesus, (Hebrews 12:2) the author, perfecter, and finisher of my faith. You know, the one who holds the universe, and paid for our sins, past, present, and future, the one with the only plan that matters, the one who holds provision for all of His children so they don’t have to. Jesus, the one who doesn’t just patch us up or leave us in the hospital room…no, the one who invites us to go for a walk and talk with Him, the one who wants to listen, but also speak. The one who embraces the seasons and knows what’s best for us. He planted this seed. He knows it’s like a mustard seed, with so much potential for growth. He knows what He is doing as the MASTER Gardener. The gardener of grace. He knows what pace we need. He knows when we need rest. He knows what kind of soil is best so that we don’t soil, but so that we grow. He is the vine, we are just branches. It’s on HIM, not me. He asks, "who touched me?"

I did Lord, let me explain.

The “disease” is, if I don’t give people Jesus, and His blood…I am creating holes and am a wounded warrior, bleeding from my own heart to give to others…to give them, to give you-myself. Friend, you nor I were ever created to give ourselves. We are not able. We are not worthy. We do not have the grace to. According to Genesis 1:28, “God blessed the man and woman. God said to them, ‘be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’” We were created and blessed to be fruitful, multiply, filling the earth, subduing it, having dominion over everything other than people and God himself. If you are the sole provider of a person, you have a right to them and over them. In my selfish pride, masked to me as good Christian service, ministry, and missions… I have elevated myself over others in order to have dominion over them. I have tried to be the Savior. What is worst, I tried to be my own savior, to save myself. IMPOSSIBLE. I lied that I wasn’t hurting anyone, I was helping. But this thinking has eventually led to holes in my soul, and my walk with God. It has left me relying on my own dependence instead of interdependence on God. This pressure of, from, with pride, must go. You know the word “subdue” and “dominion” means “to overcome, bring under control,” or just simply, “control”. I want to have dominion and subdue pride. I want to press forward and onwards, not in striving, to reach Jesus. In this time of rest and refreshing, simply getting alone with God, has led to deep peace. A peace because I am at His feet. A peace that triumphs the swirly-ness regarding how long am I called to be in Cambodia right now, or after I return to Kona for debrief where will I spend Christmas, if not Louisiana, or how will I get enough funds to cover returning to YWAM Ships to staff to then lead a team back to Cambodia in 2018? Aggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! NO. Peace. Be still, my soul. I did not come this weekend to get away to get a word but to meet the Word of God. The “Word became flesh”, His name is Jesus. I came because I believe He can heal me and give me a whole new perspective and perception. What I believe about God is the most important thing about me (A. W. Tozer). Believing that He was who He said He was, were the exact things that led me to make faith steps that brought me to Cambodia in the first place. It wasn’t my belief in myself. I but walked on water because my eyes were locked in and fixed on Jesus and who He is, was, and will be. My past, present, and future will be just fine no thanks to me... but all thanks to God! He paid for my past, present, and future. It's a future with a hope so in the present moment, His presence is all that I need to “worry” about in this day and age. The pressure to perform falls off when we make it our mission to live in the present in His presence.

I heard this from a Prayer Vlog from Pink Incense (find them on Instagram), “Have you seen His eyes lately?”

I just did. And they are pure love. They are pure steadfastness. They are pure peace that passes understanding. (verse 34) Then Jesus said to her, “Daughter, because you dared to believe, your faith has healed you. Go with peace in your heart, and be free from your suffering!” We will be free and healed from our “disease” of pride and pressure when we put our belief, not in our self, but in Him and who He is. We will face and defeat fear when we put our faith in Him, not in our self. We will be filled with peace when we make His presence our top priority for each passing day.

Psalm 16: 5 says, “the Lord is my cup”.

Then that settles it. This “bucket”, “vessel”, etc. is His, bought for, signed and sealed. I am His responsibility. The most logical thing I could ever do then for the rest of my life is to surrender to Him in the daily, letting Him lead, letting Him have dominion. I want to be sub-dued by God. I must be, this is the only way to be completely transformed from the inside-out. I need to believe in Him more than I believe in myself or even in you. Romans 8:6 “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Final thoughts and wisdom from Jesus and the 2018 film “Christopher Robin”: Christopher Robin: “I've cracked.” Winnie The Pooh: “Oh, I don't see any cracks. A few wrinkles, maybe.” While on furlough the Lord actually redefined my "condition". I have a condition which is this deep Heaven-sized hungry hole and need to be, “just be”. To "be" is to live in the now, not always in the know. To "be" is to live in today not the yesterday, tomorrow, or twenty-seconds from now.

Jesus taught me and touched many parts of my heart, regarding the past, present, and future, especially during this R&R. I set my mind on Him and He showed me the good life I am to live so long as I keep staring into His eyes, the greatest “prize”. He covered me with peace as He instructed me to release, let go, surrender, wait, pray, listen, worship, swim, run, watch, write, draw, rest, and be, be with Him, so I am holding onto Jesus. He gave me practical tools like throwing away, ripping apart, releasing, crying, laughing, diving deeper, praying in the Spirit, and singing over the atmosphere. I restrained from striving and He re-trained my senses. I took time to see, smell, and listen. He adjusted mindsets like how I used to think I needed to edit the soil, but now I know that I am not in control. I even thought I needed to make sure that I was growing. Now I know that I am, because I am a branch locked in Him. I thought I needed to monitor how much sunlight I was receiving, namely, my relationship with God, making it on my terms, like checking off a checklist, clock-work. Now I realize that the SON is always shining and daylight doesn't need to be saved. We cannot out “run” His love or hoard it either. This thing is on His watch and time. His way. His piece, my peace.

Romans 8:38-39 “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers , nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will ever be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Just like Mary and Joseph thought they were saving the baby Jesus by fleeing, the baby was actually going to save them. They thought they lost the boy Jesus. He was only found in God’s presence, at the temple, that's where the left Him, and that's where they found Him. Just like the soldiers thought they were killing Jesus, He was really the one killing, killing death, hell, the grave, and buying you and me. He has always been about His Father’s business. Two steps ahead yet fully engaged in the now.

It is the righteous not those who think they are righteous that He came for, but the sick.

He is the ONLY physician positioned and capable of taking on a case like ours, a case like mine, and a case like yours. He is more than qualified so we can be justified. We just need to humble ourselves long enough so that He can get a good look at us. Because, that is where everything changes. When we see Jesus, we find Him, and we find ourselves too. Then He asks us a few questions, like "who touched me?" OR "didn't you know that I'd be about my Father's business?"

He releases His faith in us, inside of us so that we step right up and speak to Him like Moses did. Face to face and realize that we're not cracked, broken, and bleeding, but we are healed, humble, and His. If we just believed, we'd "Be"-come.

In keeping this perspective, the future looks bright, especially because it means living face to face. So the pressure is off as the presence is on. The wrinkles shrink, the Healer haults, hears, and heals. So that we can point others to Him too. He empowers us to distribute His love and healing like presents through our "be-ing" not our doing.

Above: Yonjung and Janea, I couldn't help but capture two of my closest fire compadres sharing their hearts together about Jesus outside of an ATM (ATMOSPHERE is changing now 🎶)

Below: Janea and myself singing "set a fire" & "my God is so great, so strong and so mighty" with kids from a local slum. I thought I came to save kids like this, but their simple hope and trust in God they have is actually saving me. They believe and so BECOME.

Above: The message on this shirt is for me (John 14:27 ESV). Details on my recent shirt fundraising campaign=see latest blog & visit www.bonfire.com/fundraising-for-missionary-work/

Below: fellowship& family, our crew with YWAM Ships LEGEND Sean Murphy with the DTS OUTREACH team from Australie

Above and Below: little blue presents filled with "ingredients", cross necklaces, coloring sheets, hand written notes that say things like "Jesus loves you" to kids from the slum from God's House of Praise children's church kiddos back in Louisiana. From family...to family, distributing presents=God's presence

Below: Sometimes "running away" looks like bike riding in Cambodia with friends who know your potential and story. They call you up higher just by being with you and biking alongside. (Throwback to my YOUTUBE video where I am bike riding the streets of my hometown last year as a way of sharing with friends and family that I was going to the mission field...we've come a long way, and with friends in the frame now on that very field.#THANKFUL)

November =New perspective and a new way to look at these words:

(1)PRESENT=pre-sent

(2)PRESENCE=pre-sense

Pre-ventative methods to burn out= spend time in advance with God, like first thing in the day, until. Instead of feeling dead, read the Word of Life. Pray in the Spirit and commune with Jesus throughout the "now". Awaken your senses to what God is up to, stop looking at you or looking to blame the "disease". Look to Him. Lock eyes-"the prize" and find yourself healed, set free, delivered, and stronger. It's Christ's strength IN US. Jes-us.