Lord of the Dreams

Below: Photo of a Koh Rong sunset June 2019/ Spoiler alert-it all worked out.

Disclaimer: I wrote this blog months ago, while up in the clouds, flying from Kona to Vietnam then to Siem Reap (end of March 2019). Today, while likewise up in the clouds this time heading from Phnom Penh to Malaysia, I think it’s fitting to finally publish it. Tomorrow, I turn 26, and I am secretly hoping for a season shift and an answer to all of my questions with God, but I don’t think God works like that, on my time is what I mean. So in faith I am in publishing this declaring that the tides are shifting and I am in fact growing closer to God and drawing others to Him. Here is a first look into what I was wrestling with then and still perhaps am wrestling with today. In my head and heart, it’s technically unfinished, but aren’t we all?

About a month ago, I stumbled across this particular song Seasons by Hillsong Worship and it floored me.

Verse 1: Like the frost on a rose, winter comes for us all, oh how nature acquaints us with the nature of patience; like a seed in the snow, I’ve been buried to grow, for your promise is loyal, from seed to sequoia

Chorus: I know, though the winter is long even richer-the harvest it brings; though my waiting prolongs- even greater, your promise for me like a seed; I believe that my season will come

Bridge: I can see the promise, I can see the future, you’re the God of seasons, I’m just in the winter- of all I know of harvest, is that it’s worth my patience, then if you’re not done working, God I’m not done waiting. You can see my promise, even in the winter, cause’ you’re the God of greatness even in a manger; for all I know of seasons is that you take your time, you could have saved us in a second, instead you sent a child...”

I have many goals. Long-term, short, daily, weekly, monthly, to infinity and beyond. I want to continue speaking and learning French and now Khmer. I want to lead this new 9 month team into Cambodia, safe and sound with many new sons and daughters coming into deep relationship with their/our Heavenly Father and Creator God. I want to start or open up a coffee shop by day and turn it into a prayer “burn” hub by night. I want to own a house that many people feel welcomed to stay for as long as they feel called. I want to go to New Zealand to see what God’s up to there in real-time. I want to get married. I want to adopt. I want to workout 4-5 times a week. I want to continue to earn income with Advocare. I want to finish my Bachelor’s degree. I want to let my hair grow again in order to be able to fit into a pony-tail again. These are just a few of the many examples and endless lists I could go on about.  I highlighted just a few off of the top of my head on purpose so that you could hear a very fragile word to me in my current season…namely, “want”.

Jesus’s famous words said to the Father, “Not my will, but yours be done” ring in my heart yet I can’t say that since starting this particular faith journey since the end of 2017, I have always expressed those similar words to the Father.

Or what about David? He said in Psalms 23, “that the Lord is our shepherd and we shall not want.”

This morning the Lord led me to read 1 John 2:15-17 (MSG), “Practically everything that goes on in the world-wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important-has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out-but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.”

Can I be vulnerable with you?

This season I have actually been quite rebellious in my own eyes. I haven’t wanted to be a missionary almost every other day. I have wanted to run away, peace out, but to where, why, and to who? I wanted to run on my own, in my own way. I didn’t want to “drink the cup that was set before” me. I wanted to go back to my blood relatives, watch them grow. I wanted to go back to familiar or at least to a place of little to no accountability for the call to being a missionary.

But here I have been, in Kona Hawaii for the past three months, running alongside others like myself that are just doing the next thing with the Lord and trying to keep a grip on the life we lead. Well, the unfortunate news is we cannot hold on for long. The good news is that we don’t need to. Our Heavenly Father who brought us has been faithful to provide all that we have need of, financially, emotionally, spiritually-you name it, done, just as He said He would.

Below, to help you picture it, photos from Kona 2019: crawfish boils, weddings, one on ones, my and my team’s baptisms, sailing trip, prayer burn, another successful T-shirt campaign, love feast, Janea in Kona, team testimony weekend, team meet-n-eat volunteering, and favorite Kiwi.

I wish I could say that this blog will unlock and unleash a ton of new revelation and that I’ll be vulnerable about some other struggle that I’ve overcome, but it is not. I am letting you in on the mess before the message, in the test before the testimony. I think I am doing this so that you see that I too, no matter what great exploits for God we will have in Cambodia this year or wherever, serves no purpose other than to give God the glory.

You should read between the lines and see that I am no special super hero person, but I am normal, day by day, taking up the cross, or rather, the torch, and running the race, type of person. As a missionary and a Christian, sometimes we have good runs/races, and other times we can barely keep our feet moving, but God is faithful. No matter where I have been throughout these past few months, if you should call it a funk or what, I did lead people less to me and more to Jesus and that is what I always want to do.

So God carried me most of this season more than I led myself by shear willpower and grit. He opened the door, provided the bed, and I walked in and slept. In the middle of the night (should we say ‘night-season’, however, like Jacob in the Bible, I too “wrestled” with God.

I have been in the wrestle often. I have questioned my four year plan with YWAM. I have questioned my obedience to God. I have questioned my financial decisions. I have questioned my faith, as in, do I actually believe God is good or have I began to stop trusting Him, and if so, why?

In the middle of my wrestling, He strapped me in, and continued to run with me. I sometimes think people need to full on stop completely, you know, life, to make those adjustments, then to get back on the road; perhaps, but in my case, the Lord chose to actually course correct while we continued to stroll. Here is a brief into the wrestle and into the course correction.

Lord of the dreams

I used to know the perfect answer to every moment. I used to lay down my life at the expense of my happiness, and gladly. I would reserve the best for others and wouldn’t mind taking the lowly positions. If someone asked me for anything, I would try to go above and beyond for them, but to what end? Was it always out of an overflow? No. Sometimes, yes, which is best and bears the fruit; however, you can give, begrudgingly, and I think I started looking at the promises from God, He especially spoke over my life to me in 2017, and now running towards a new month in 2019 already, I was beginning to fade.

Just when I thought I had even distanced myself from God even to the point of cursing (not something I’ve really done at all in my life; I can count on one hand the amount of times I have)-God in His goodness rushed in. He likes it when we come to the end of ourselves.

I think, because I am actually in a large metal tube, going around 685 km per hour at 10972 m altitude, God literally swept me up in order to speak life and truth and purpose and promise back into me. I needed this. Oh did I need this.

If you have ever felt led to pray for me, honestly, more than financial, I think all missionaries, especially myself, all need to keep our eternal perspective “glasses” on and NEVER, I mean EVER, take them off.

Perhaps that is why people stop pressing on towards the goal of Jesus, Heaven, intimate relationship with the Father, dreams…it’s not because of external circumstances at all, it’s really all inside of the realm of our will and emotions-our mind. We can easily talk ourselves out.

Someone on my team asked me today, did I ever get homesick last year in Cambodia. I paused thinking, “what is a good leader answer so that I don’t discourage her as we are just about board our longest flight in our travel leg?”

I couldn’t give her that.

I needed to be truthful and point to Christ besides circumstance and my emotion. So I told her that the moment I stopped focusing on God in Cambodia, namely when I opted for just learning about* Him rather continuing to spend time with Him-in His Word in order to get to know Him as a friend, is the moment the loneliness of the mission field matched with missing multiple birthdays all came crashing in like a flood.

Now Janea, who came out to Cambodia last year with me, who so happens to be staying with my parents currently back in Louisiana-shows how family she truly is to me and my family (she stays with them with or without me), I was still lonely, she couldn’t replace the presence of Jesus and His eternal perspective, and promise making/ keeping voice that I needed to hear.

She couldn’t be the Rock or my Home or alleviate homesickness or loneliness.

I read in a book just now that loneliness is not not knowing people or having people around, it’s really others not knowing you or allowing them to experience life from your perspective. This takes vulnerability and if we aren’t doing it with Jesus how can we expect to do with others, or as a litmus test, vice versa.

When I stopped spending time with Jesus to hear His voice and remind me of the who, what, when, where, why, how long, of my life…the details that would help me keep running and not grow weary, His voice was replaced with me focusing on me. That never leads anywhere good. To fight for our rights and our wants and try to manipulate and control ever single facet of our lives so that all of our dreams come true...gross.

I literally left Cambodia last year, entered back into Kona, back into Louisiana and then back into Kona a bit “jaded and faded” this year. Who’s fault?

Somewhere in there, I truly started looking at me and I will always fall short. We become what we behold. I was beholding me and finding selfishness disguised with false humility, pride masking around as wisdom, and jealousy as love.

I ran to Cambodia last year, my best friend even came too but still no change of heart; I was on the course but my heart was far from God. I was running the race in defeat and with defect. Then, I ran back to Kona, still couldn’t shake it. Even in Louisiana, I thought my relationship and acuteness to God’s presence and direction and loneliness and homesickness would cease or fade, it didn’t. It only exposed that I couldn’t just change location when there was a real problem.

You know what I discovered?

We cannot out run ourselves.

This is how either God spoke it to me or He helped me word it back to me, “Chelsea, you can’t outrun Chelsea.” Or in other words, “a lack of faith in one area will only carry with you. A piece you are holding back from me in Louisiana will be the reason for your lack of peace in Cambodia.”

I am still wrestling. God is asking me hard questions right now, while it feels like I am in a waiting time. Is it a time of testing, probably, so I need some grit and fight but I also need to submit and just let God have it all.

I know this! I do. I know that the best thing when wrestling against the God of the universe is just to submit.

There is so much joy. I have seen His faithfulness prove true but for some reason, in this season, that hasn’t been good enough for me. Why, is it because I think I am more faithful to provide finances for myself? Heck no, I know I am not. Or do I think I am just such a great leader that I can even vision cast and help lead my team well with my charisma? That won’t do either.

I’ve heard God ask me a couple of questions over the past few years now…they are the same ones, time and time again, but I so often need reminding.

I like this title. “Lord of the Dreams”. You know how the Lord of the Rings trilogy is like a million hours long and did you know that over 3 hours from all three films combined are just scenes of Frodo and Sam walking. I think my life is beginning to unfold more to me in slow motion like the Lord of the Rings walking scene.

My life is becoming less like checking off a to-do shopping list at Walmart.

It’s like a trilogy with different chapters, different challenges, temptations, friendships, and great victory.

Once one battle finishes, sure enough with rest in between, another one is upon us whether we like it or not. “Welcome to life. Welcome to the gift of being given breath in your lungs at such a time.” That is what I’m having to tell myself right now.

Once we weren’t existing and then suddenly like the timeline of life is a map, our pin was dropped at a specific section for specific purposes and missions. We are valuable but we are the not the main character here.

God cares about us, that’s why He sent Jesus, that’s why in Peter it says to cast your cares upon Him in prayer, because He cares. But the painful lesson I am having to re-learn as an adult is that although I am older, a leader, have been walking with Jesus for a while, I still need to be childlike and realize that He is Father…the parent, where the buck stops and starts.

He is responsible, which takes pressure off of me, #praise. So just like when I was a kid, it required trust, that when I asked my parents for something that I wanted and they knew that it wasn’t good for me, not based on my merit, but mainly based on their love and wisdom, no matter if I threw a fit or not, they remained steady and said no, which meant no. I really do love that God is faithful even if and when I am faithless.

Catch me in the Clouds

Traveling from Cambodia takes around 42 hours from Kona. I know people like time traveling films or wish we could all just pass through the realms like Phillip day by day, wake up in one place and at a snap of a finger teleport somewhere else. I think for me, I don’t want it at the snap of a finger. The long flights and layovers, especially as we travel over the largest body of water, the Pacific Ocean, I think there is a thing about being at the mercy of the pilot. I pray that we don’t crash because we are in the middle of water for most of our journey. I don’t know about you but I would much rather fly over land. It feels safe.

I went to the harbor/pier across the street from YWAM SHIPS yesterday as the Cruise Ship tourists came out for their day excursions. It was quite funny to me to see such a calm snorkeling beach and bay where the Pacific Ocean rests so many can swim with little to no wake or current at all.

The waves were light and the fish plentiful. However, I have swam that section a ton and it’s a “the safe zone”.

I think I need to fly over the Pacific more to be at a place where I am desperate for God, the pilot-where I am at the mercy of His decisions.

The ocean will give you a good perspective of how much control we don’t have in this life.

Isaiah 52:6 (MSG) “Now it’s time that my people know who I am, what I’m made of-yes, that I have something to say. Here I am!”

Dream Catcher

As a staff member and leader during this past 3 month Discipleship training School, people have looked to me for prayer, guidance, encouragement, finances, information, etc. I have been given a measure of grace it seems that God really used me, but yesterday, I ran into me again.

This is a test of trust in the Lord, where you are at, if it is at a good place or if you need to adjust some things to get it back where it should be, Jesus at the center.

How do you handle “a change of plans”?

Yesterday, hours before our team was going to be saying goodbye to our “Kona lives” to enter into full time missionary work in Cambodia for the next 9 months, I get a knock on my door while packing and talking on the phone to my sister Caitlin.

She was in real-time. She heard my response and reaction.

Like I told you already, I know how to say the “right things”, but my face and remaining course actions give my heart away, unfortunately but actually because of the grace of God- He uses it to help course correct me.

I freaked out. Why? Because I got news that my co-leader wasn’t going to be joining us for our first week of outreach because He had salmonella. Shock but not a shock to God.

Sometimes, I’m not necessarily expecting the worse, I just know that God likes to shift things and shake things up, especially when I am acting anal or distant from Him. So I almost called this happening.

God isn’t an attention seeker but rather, He’s really good at relationship, fathering, and checking up on us.

We can’t fool Him so He tries to wake us up so that we will stop trying to fool ourselves.

I became stressed. If anyone has known me since especially 16-18 years old, for whatever reason, I became a little stress-addict. It could have been the culmination of people pleasing, not really understanding how to have a relationship with God day to day, being unsure of what my future held, and also helping run monthly music events in our community for youth.

Well, that Chelsea showed back up to get the job done.

I needed to pull up my pants, look life at the face and say, “BRING IT!” So I did. I hustled, I felt the burden left on me, and tried to tie up loose ends and cover the now un-covered grounds.

In the midst of that, a few different people stopped me to ask me their own questions, similar to the questions God asks me.

“Are you okay?” “How are you doing” “How can I help” “What do you need”…

Sadly, my response was not the “church answer” I was used to throwing out there. I had nothing to give and didn’t want to process with people while I was experiencing it in real-time. But can you imagine Jesus, when He had made His plans and then people, who were sick, tearing out a roof for healing, screaming “Son of David have mercy” at Him, tugs on His hem, children running up from behind Him almost tackling, an ex-prostitute pouring perfume-making a scent and Pharisees making a stench at every move He made...He let his disciples in, in real-time.

He let them in to His process.

The only time I see Him having a few “moments”, or “I need a moment” time was when He slipped away to pray at the Garden before the cross-remember the rebuke to the slumbering friends, or in the temple, remember the table-flipping.

However, His responses were those out of love.

Especially in the Garden, “not my will” was a statement of love. Unconditional. Jesus giving it all*.

Love does say to one another, “not my will, but yours”.

Furthermore, in the temple, love drove Him to flip tables that represented sellingGod’s favor or sellingouton relationship with God for religion or for the love of allowing ALL* to come. Jesus’ uncanny action was motivated by Love. Jesus was what He beheld. When He saw/sees the Father. He sees Love.

In that moment that a leader told me my co-leader wasn’t coming just yet, I saw me.

When I saw me, I saw #INADEQUATE #ALONE #NOTQUALIFIED #EXTRAWORK #FEAR #HELPLESS #OUTOFCONTROL #NOTINTHEPLAN.

When God saw me He asked, “What’s pushing you? Who’s driving you? Where are you and why are you hiding?”

...

In trying to answer Him, He rather spoke to me through me by tackling what was actually going on inside versus the current given circumstances:

Plans and dreams aren’t bad, I believe they can be God-given and we should pursue those things, but not apart from Jesus. Run when He runs, walk when He walks, rest when He rests, stop when He stops, pioneer when He pioneers, settle down when He settles down, commit when He commits, quit when He quits, and forgive as He forgives. Don’t just do this in theory or for the sake of doing good works apart from our loving relationship with a triune God who exists inside of community Himself/themselves. So embrace it, God’s in this. You are not alone. A quick yes is a quick no. The hardest part is saying goodbye.We say goodbye so we can say hello. Change of pace. NEWSLETTERS. Take up your cross and follow me.

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“Like a seed you have sewn, for the sake of us all, from Bethlehem’s soil grew Calvary’s sequoia.”-remaining lyrics from Hillsong’s “Seasons”.

I’m glad Jesus didn’t lose hope, faith, direction, dedication, perseverance, and not only took the cross on the via Dolorosa but He also allowed the hammering, the spear or final blow, and died.

His heart went first…His heart had been fully in love, fully surrendered way before He ever made it to the cross.

I know I am not there yet, a full all-out “crucifixion type commitment” to Christ myself, but I am getting there. I am becoming more self-aware of how unlike Jesus I actually am capable of being and how Jesus will let me choose Him or not, not from duty but with the desire to allow me to choose love over all (trust over fear, etc.).

So the journey continues and God keeps changing all of my plans. What are the dreams He’s also edited?

Where do I even start to explain?

I guess whatever this “dream” is, it’s just beginning, the opening credits just started, but I can say this, so help me God, I will run this race all the way to the end because God is the overseer of this construction sight.

He takes His time and so I will patiently let Him work on me until I, Chelsea, am unrecognizable, namely, because I become love and look just like my Father. 

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Do you know that I’ve added another stream? I am currently keeping folks in a specific loop through Newsletters. To subscribe to some story telling on the work we actually do in Poipet Cambodia, send an email to chelseachaisson@gmail.comwith the words “Opt In” to start receiving them. Blogs will remain a place where I process where I am personally at with God and what He chooses to reveal or not reveal to me while on the mission field.

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It’s beautiful to be able to share with you, God has worked out our numerous off-sets, starting with said salmonella incident, into something beautiful since writing this blog. Here’s a glimpse into what He did since landing in beautiful Cambodia months ago:

https://youtu.be/FwnRfNbakq0

Below, to help you picture it, our first three months of outreach in Cambodia: from remodels, to meeting and leading with a favorite non-kiwi almost kiwi, to garden digging, prayer burn, buying new base piano, soccer, gift giving, then graduating/ debriefing. Our first trimester is done, now to continue learning to become more like Jesus with one another.