Mind Games in the Middle Part II

Part II: The Unlocked In-between

Dear readers and namely, to myself….I am sorry I haven’t been writing or rather that I haven’t been posting my writings. I am also sorry that I have been second guessing everything: my call, my purpose, and my writing abilities. I just published a blog that I actually wrote months ago, “Lord of the Dreams”, but couldn’t bring myself to release until recently. Likewise, this blog (Part I &II) was written months ago, sometime in late April. I had a sort of “writer’s block” since coming back to Cambodia-I couldn’t find the same confidence I had to publish. Maybe it was because I could only focus on so many things at a time, and helping lead a team took everything out of me and had me front and center, so I didn’t want to do one more thing that would open me up and let others in.

In leading, I needed to make many decisions that would affect others. It was vulnerable and I still am co-leading the team but now our seasons are shifting and I’m ready to publish again being vulnerable about the secret-place world within my world.

Leading did and does allow me to look at others, but it’s really giving me time to look inside because I am/ was reproducing who I was, who I am, sevenfold.

We as a team are preparing to go into an “In-reach” time again, kind of like doing a DTS (Discipleship Training School) all over again and in the middle of our extended 9 month outreach. I wonder what God will stir up within during this special few months of “in-reach”. I hope to not hold back and publish those pieces I process, as they come, not necessarily months later.

With arrival day this upcoming Friday, we as a base our hosting our second Bible Core Course (BCC) where we study the Bible inductively (thoroughly) front to back for three months. This year I will be walking alongside BCC students as they discover the God of the Bible and apply those timeless truths to their everyday lives, whether that leads them to remain on the mission field in the future or not. They will discover that the Word of God will always remain relevant like I did during my BCC last year. However, just because I am still leading (as BCC staff in this particular season) this year, I am not exempt from going deeper, especially in the Word. I’ll be studying it again with the students, because there’s still so much I’ve yet to grasp about our God.

Quite interesting that I am publishing this blog now, as the winds of change are upon us. We are getting ready to study words that will always ring true whereas I am writing words to process working out the Truth in my own life. I hope they inspire you but I am not upset if they don’t. I do feel a pressing from God and so He is my confidence to publish these two Parts, because I need to be vulnerable again.

Here’s my heart, but not on my sleeve:

I haven’t been listening to the right voice(s). Are you like that too? Do you for some reason only remember the wrongs, the negative words spoken over you, the folks who don’t like you in your life instead of focusing on the rights, the positive and encouraging words spoken over you, and those friends and family members who love you for just being you-they don’t want anything in return, because their love is unconditional.

No matter what state of mind you are in, you are loved, so you don’t have to try to be anything, you just get to be.

Let me say it again, but this time for me: Chelsea, no matter what, or where, or why- you are loved, so you can stop trying, again and again, just be.

Recently, I’ve been listening to every other voice but my own/my inner-witness. I’ve been overly concerned with the lies from the enemy that say my voice doesn’t matter, that these blogs are too long, that I am not a good leader, that I have lost my fire from last year, that I don’t belong here, that I shouldn’t have sold everything to live on the mission field, that I have no real aim or purpose at the moment…but I’m happy to say that those pages have turned and I welcome the new & rainy season.

In Cambodia, the weather just legit changed to the rainy season. I am marking the new change with a mild head-cold, resting in my bed with a smile on my face knowing that everything will be okay and God has got it ALL under control.

Ephesians 6: 18-20 “Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel, For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.

Have you ever heard this quote: “I can’t ask others to do what I am first unwilling to do myself”?

This simple phrase is becoming so apparently important in how I live as a believer in Christ, especially this year, now that I am a team leader. It is a phrase keeping my integrity in check.

God has asked me difficult questions, just like I/ He has asked of my team. However, God has more often than not given me difficult instructions. Because my integrity is to echo God’s character, I don’t need to just follow through with answering questions, I need to follow through with fulfilling His instructions.

For example, last year, God told me I am to give YWAM 5 years of my life. At first that sounded great to me, since I am prone to planning. Inside of such a commitment, I have my future mapped out serving God, and I have a tribe to do it with. However, as time goes by, obedience to this word of the Lord is easier said than done, because to me, spending 5 years on the mission field sounds…reckless, and recklessness makes me second-guess...everything.

Time to the Lord, is first valuable and second something we are held accountable to. Time is a tester and our choices within time are a revealer of our level of trust in Him. Inside of time, you know what else is a heart revealer? Sickness.

I had dengue fever weeks ago. This fever is brought on by a mosquito bite carrying the virus. They call it the “breakbone” fever. Such a small sting, causes such a large fuss. The fever affected my effectiveness as a missionary, so I thought. But this small curse turned into a huge blessing. It gave me, time. Time to think, pray and process.

Not able to fully stand without almost passing out, nor being able to keep my eyes open, and having too much energy to sleep for a week straight, I had a lot of time to wrestle with the idea of remaining on the mission field for 4 more years, to keep going, to do it again, to remain, to be thankful for this life when life seemingly felt forced upon me and out of my control.

Inside of my sickness, I faced a level of depravity that reminded me I am not a super hero or God, but I am weak and in need of purpose, direction, hope, and help just like the rest of humanity. God didn’t cause sickness because He is a good Father and gives good things; however, He sure did use it/ is using it now, to give me a dose of perspective about who the world revolves around, Cambodia included, and it is not me.

Thank God.

The truth is, God doesn’t need me to be on the mission field to save others. He wants me here to discover love, true unconditional love for Him, myself, and others.

Love is first patient and so I guess, five years is, a time for learning that. Cambodia is my classroom where I learn and equally teach. She, as in the nation, will not change overnight nor should I expect that from her.

Why?

Because I will not change overnight.

There are God-given characteristics about who God made her/me to be, the gift that she/I is/beings for the world, that He doesn’t want lost in the shuffle of change.

I am a garden with a lot of good fruit like joy, peace, and hope. However, I also grow pride, selfishness, distrust, gossip, lack of commitment, homesickness, fear of man, and fear of decision making. I am prone to second guessing EVERYTHING. I am not God’s gift to the world, Jesus is, but I am Jesus’ daughter, friend, follower, and ambassador.

God wants to prune weeds and uproot faulty ways of thinking about Him, oneself, and others in all of us. This will take time for me and you alike and God is willing to wait and walk through it, bit by bit. He is a patient God and takes His time. I too need to be patient with myself and my own spiritual growth as a daughter and let God do his best work, however much time that may take.

Am I willing to wait? Are you?

This year, God told me to sell the car my grandfather just gave me over Christmas break, my inheritance, and use it. He had me put a “stake in the ground” and buy my flight and my dad’s flight to Cambodia. Just as soon as I got some money, I’ve given it.

He’s had me use it to sponsor other missionaries as well as my own YWAM staff fees throughout this 2019. I’ve used it to pay for doctor visits after getting dengue and my moto-accident, and have used it towards my recent counseling weekend in Malaysia.

I even invested $2,000 of it for the building of our new Bible Core Course’s classroom.

This has not been easy, investing my inheritance, because it feels…reckless, and this recklessness brings doubt…second guessing.

You know what though? God doesn’t need our money but money is a heart revealer.

Money helps raise questions like: Are we willing to give those loaves and fishes that we set aside for ourselves to others? Are we willing to trust Jesus in this area of our lives- the basics, that our needs, like food and finances, will be met by our Heavenly Father?

Who’s really in control, do we think that we are? Are we willing to obey God’s voice and give Him our plans? Is He really worthy of it?

As I’ve wrestled with the idea of releasing money, I believe God wants to make sure that I know where my heart stands. He was/ is/ will be the plan A, and giving funds this year has helped remind myself that I do in fact trust His ways and gardening wisdom above my own. This faith journey particularly with my inheritance, has been getting into alignment with “I will” statements like the Psalmist did.

Psalm 108: 1-3 “My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make melody with all my being. Awake, O harp and lyre, I will awake the dawn, I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations.” We make these “ I will” statements because of “who He is” statements. Psalm 108: 4 “For your steadfast love is great above the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.”

I need to make “I will” statements because I need reminding. When we get into rhythms, sometimes we get numb to the plans and purposes and whimsy of God in our lives and we are prone to second guessing what He originally has spoken over us or called us into.

The Word of God helps us Remember

It’s good to study the Bible so long as we actually allow it to penetrate our heart and bring about an alignment to God’s way of doing things and thinking. Even if and when we don’t feel it, like God’s presence, His fire, His assurance, or His peace, we need to remind ourselves of the truth that He is actually faithful and with us. We need to tell our thoughts and actions to submit to what is true, not what we feel, see, or think. Truth is truth and I need a healthy dose everyday.

That is my “Word of the Lord” over doing this BCC again but this time as a staff…I need some more truth in my path because His truth sets me free to just be instead of second guessing who I am, who He is, what He’s called me to do, etc. The Word of God pulls the confidence out from under US and into Him.

When I see Him, I see me and become the promises He has placed over my life.

I’m sure Abraham and the many other men and women of faith of the Bible needed reminding, so why wouldn’t we? We all do. Inside of the way God ravishes His love on us, He gives us free-will. We have permission to choose. We have permission to forget or we get to make the conscious decision to remember.

So, how can I stay on the mission field and live a sustainable life that others will desire enough to seek Jesus out for themselves?

I need to remember why I came out here in the first place and who people are actually in need of, Jesus (God’s legit GIFT to the world).

How can you remain at your job and be a light to your non-believing co-workers? You need to remember that you are in fact a light and God was/ is the way maker.

How can you remain a faithful spouse and parent? You need to remember that you are loved and that you are trustworthy enough to overflow the same love God has given to you to those in your inner circles.

How can you be a voice of truth in your church home? You need to remember that you have been given an assignment and alignment from the Lord to use your voice to speak His Word.

How can you go through with it, packing up your bags and selling all to answer God’s call on your life to embark on a new journey with and for Him? You need to remember that you do hear from God, He does speak, and that He is faithful to fulfill His promises.

Words of the Lord are crucial.

Disciplines God has taught us years ago, need to be reintroduced and re-lived out. I need to revisit sermons, passages, books, journals, blogs, vlogs, pictures, songs, and people, often. They all remind me of where I have been so I can see where I am headed. So my rationale has been that whether God said to use all of my inheritance or not this past year, I can say that it has proved so worth it to invest my money into myself (Malaysia trip), the Khmer (especially staff), (because of the upcoming BCC) the Word of God and students of the Word, and in bringing loved ones close and into the story here (ex. my dad coming out in September).

These things like BCC or counseling, but namely, these people, all remind me of who God is and because of who He is, I am reminded of the true inheritance I get to live out every day.

This is a life lived loved and not lonely when we have our Heavenly Father and His family to spend it with.

Let’s remember what Jesus did out of a response to who He was/is and who God is/was…

He made an effort to take time alone with God-away from people, the crowds, the demands, the needs, the wants, the family, and the warfare. Seemingly going in the opposite direction of who He came to minister to.

Man’s Wisdom says to be with the ones you came to serve. God’s Wisdom says to be with the one who made you first and then you’ll simply overflow love (not yourself) to everyone after.

Jesus spent time, investing Himself in His relationship with God and then He gained perspective day in and day out, so much so that He had a life well spent, particularly having fulfilled over 300+ prophecies and embracing relationships like none other.

Acts 10:43* – “He is the One all the prophets testified about, saying that everyone who believes in Him will have their sins forgiven through His name.”

His investments proved where His loyalties lied and God invited Jesus to choose radical trust and obedience just like He is inviting us to. He is also showing us the way that leads to life, spending time with God whatever the costs. You my friend have permission to do what Jesus saw as non-negotiable: Get with God, run to a secret place to commune with Him daily, invest finances into doing a Bible Course, take a trip to go get counseling. You are worthy of doing that because He is worthy of having you.

It will cost you everything to get away with God, but it’s a worthy investment.

If I am on the mission field then I constantly need to remember what mission I am on, who I am fighting, what we are fighting, who I am fighting alongside, and why.

I, taking cues from Jesus through godly leadership in my life, needed to leave “my post” of doing outreach (leading, etc.) to get some perspective about my being.

I went to Malaysia last weekend. I had a counseling session on my 26th birthday, June 27, for about three hours. We spent, the therapist, Holy Spirit, and myself, most of that time revisiting my past.

I needed to revisit my pains, burdens, filters, biases, in order to take an honest look at where I was presently in order to explain “the why” of my current “writer’s block”/insecurity and second-guessing-everything dilemma.

June 28th, I had a final session, it brought me full circle and centered me back to the cross.

God will always bring us back to the cross.

I saw God’s worthiness laid down because of His belief about my worthiness. Because Christ died, He proved that I am valuable, loved, worth it. My voice matters because Jesus believed it was worth dying for. My opinions and perspective on life written inside of these blogs matter because Jesus thinks they do.

He bestowed His worthiness on all of us on Calvary.

Remember who you are because Jesus did.

In order to make it to the cross and to keep Himself there, He thought of you, me, humanity. Your worthiness also drove Him to defeat Hell, death, and the grave and return to lif—just for you. Love drove Him and equally so, He wants love to be our driving response to Him.

I needed therapy so that as a missionary I can be one who invites others into this same revelation. It is not a life of poverty, sacrifice, and rules but that of friendship, freedom, and abundant love where we say, “all I have need of thy hand hath provided…great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me” that we are actually inviting others in on.

The enemy would have liked that I forgot/forget. He would rather you and I remain second guessing so as to waste time, where we try to go back to what we know, dead religion and works.

The only thing satan can do is distract to make us forget.

I believe one of the greatest distractions I’ve had, was getting my eyes off of the cross and onto me.

The cross is/ was expensive. The cross should raise the questions: What does it really mean to us and about us? What does it mean about God and His love?

I’ll tell you what Malaysia did, it reminded me about God and His love, namely that it is reckless but that God believes that we, His sons and daughters are worthy of such reckless Love.

He sees things even when they aren’t. He believes in our worthiness so we can too. He remembers so we can too.

Maybe the greatest enemy is ourselves because we so easily forget. When we can no longer remember we can no longer live free because we are so prone to becoming slaves instead of sons.

We need each other to remember.

Bizarre to think but what if Eve would have sinned alone? What if Adam would have been kicked out of the garden solo? They were in this thing together. God himself even entered this same story outside of the garden to just be with us.

Jesus was/ is our reminder that God is alive and speaks and calls and dreams and loves. We are each other’s reminders that we are alive, speak, call, dream, and love.

Sometimes in trusting in God, the enemy whispers lies sneakily and subtly.

We don’t realize it, but days go by where we don’t just stop believing in God, we stop believing in ourselves too. When I stopped believing that I heard from God I stop listening for God. If/ when I stop listening for God, I forget what I am fighting for or better yet, what I am living for.

Like Adam and Eve, without the constant communion, we face choices and voices that usher in the mind games where we question everything starting from the top down, from God, to us, and to others. This affects how we relate to one another, how we view ourselves-insecurities rise and fall inside of these views. Our view of love becomes about duty and conditions versus reckless and self-sacrificing love.

God faithfully brings reinforcements

When I stop remembering what God did for me, I forget that there is any beauty or purpose in doing things for Him. I put conditions on my love to protect and preserve myself. I hide my voice and choose to stop using it because I forget that it matters. Soon I self-protect and stop being vulnerable because I go into survival mode- its human nature and has its place but needs to remain submitted to the way of the cross.

Of course I want to see what I do on the mission’s field leave a legacy but in the daily grind, it’s quite normal to lose track of it all.

But deeper than what I say, God looking in the heart, He wants me to practice what I preach and also remain patient, planting seeds, keeping perspective and faith, all the while being willing to live like Jesus, who was in complete surrender and obedience to the Father.

So what can you or me do if we are prone to survival mode and forgetfulness?

We can look around and see who God has put in our life-like actually, in the present, who can we get real-time Face-time with? These are our reinforcements to remind us that we are beloved.

Isn't it easy to love people? I think I am wired to loving others more than myself. Or I focus on what others might be thinking than on my own thoughts.

So in having more compassion for those around me than myself at times, they are actually teaching me to give myself the same dose of love that I extend to them.

If I believe they are worth donating money to, why don’t I believe that I too am worth God sending funds to? If they are worth giving of my inheritance so they can have a classroom to learn, why do I think I am not worthy of such a classroom too? If I read other’s blogs not caring if it’s short or long, why do I care about mine so much to where I don’t publish anything?

I am too self-aware or concerned and I need to keep myself at the foot of the cross, constantly looking up, and remembering the “why” behind every “what”.

My base family, the Khmer, they are teaching me to look up.

So at the end of my life, if God asks me like the Raggamuffin gospel so famously coined, “Did you learn how to love?” I hope to say yes, but I can never get there without people teaching me to love myself.

We need each other to remind us we are worthy of Christ’s reckless love just as they are.

God is asking me to do life here in Cambodia with a people that have had a rough and hard life. He wants me to eat with them, sleep like them, sing like them, speak their language, teach them English and piano, learn from them, dig gardens for them, buy them some of their favorite food, like spicy papaya salad, pray healing over them, learn their slang and pig-Latin Khmer phrases, listen to them, wait like them and with them .

The Khmer always choose to wake up and live when everything around them would say to stop, turn around, give up because there is too much work to do, but for some reason their tenacity for life, just being push beyond the wreckage and war torn destruction their country still lives in, their choice to show up, humble, receiving help, and embracing relationship, is deeply impacting my walk with God and how I follow Him.

So do the Khmer need me? No, they need Jesus in me because He is the ultimate expression of love. Thus they only need me to be-like who I claim to be-lieve in. If divvying up my finances for a classroom means they have a place where they can be themselves, discovering God means -Jesus is at the center- and not me, than it is a worthy investment.

God just wants committed ones.

That has been the story in between the first and last book of the Bible. God has been writing a story about faithfulness and commitment. He is so there with all of us already, as proved through Jesus’ finished work on the cross. To ask the Khmer to trust in Christ means I must first model my personal commitment to my relationship with God being priority and the deciding factor in my life for ALL things.

For example, I need Jesus to give me a grid for which season I am in, which tree(s) to eat from in this garden, which land to live in, which man to marry-ALL means ALL, and Christ at the center means He is in the control seat.

Cambodia won’t change overnight and God is patient. I need to stop trying to rush her and just let her be. Faith requires faithfulness. The biggest war I am fighting in Cambodia is not against animism or Buddhism- religion, no, it is fighting for relationship, commitment, love, and to remain patiently expectant in the patience.

I tell Cambodians and Christians alike that God has a future and a hope, but do I believe it based on my actions, the way I respond to my particular mission-field future God has set before me? I tell the Khmer that God is good and is their provider, but do I showcase that belief in the way I steward my money? Whether a missionary or a mom, we have to practice what we preach by remaining integral not just to what we speak, but first and foremost to what God has already spoken, is speaking, and will speak.

The seeds of faith and faithfulness I plant now will mark the rest of my life. In this life all I am responsible for is how I will live as a follower of Christ. Will I remain, so help me God, yes. Am I scared of the unknown, of course, but I know the author and I know His penmanship style. He always brings things full circle, and finishes the story with beautiful resolution, victory, and resurrection. So I will say yes today. He said “give YWAM 5 years” and this blog is my stake in the ground written statement of faith saying I will stick it out and remain faithful to what He said. Here’s to the years ahead and instead of planning it out, I will patiently enjoy this one day given at a time.

A little application: After counseling in Malaysia my homework has been to choose what I am going to hold onto and what I am going to let go of. I am happy to say in publishing this blog, I am letting go of a fear that says my blogs are too big for britches and holding on to the fact that I am not writing for anyone but me. I am worthy of letting my voice be heard, even if God is the only one listening.

I like it better that way, living for an audience of one.

Blogging is a way to keep a track record of the testimonies, victories, and trials this season of life with Him has brought about. It is my worship and my communion on display, and if it impacts someone towards getting to know Jesus great, if not, it’s okay because He and I are still worthy.

Interesting enough, upon returning to my home in Poipet, Cambodia from Malaysia, I began leading worship again. I hadn’t done so for our community here since last December. With the arrival of our new piano and much needed perspective, I found the courage again to use my voice in this way. It is my worship and my communion on display in a different form, because He is worthy and I’m tired of silencing my praise.

It is an investment to write blogs and to worship lead, especially with sensitive vocal chords and a sensitive heart to criticism.

I could easily remain in self-protecting mode, but I would lose my voice in actually trying to save it. I know, because I have tried, it led to a dead end, with second guessing and writer’s block.

I’m learning that when we don’t try to preserve and hide our gifts, finances, and time but recklessly invest them in the things of King Jesus, we truly do gain and we need to do it again and again.

With BCC coming, I pray I can keep this perspective but I know I can do nothing on my own strength. God is faithful to keep me in line, guard my heart, and help remind me, however He sees fit. Literally, even the acronym for BCC has special significance. It is a season where I have permission to Be Chelsea Chaisson and I hope my exploration of God and myself will likewise give you courage to seek Him out and seek out yourself too. Get things in the right order again, love God first and see Him the way He is, then see you as He sees, love yourself and give everyone that reckless overflow of love that God will ravish upon you time and time again.

It’a never too late to get back in step with His alignment and control.

Start to change your mindset and actions in the now, while you are in it, in “the middle”, Limbo, mundane, routine, wilderness, the halfway, or obscurity.

Stop lying, stop hiding, and stop playing games. Start getting real with God who wants you to start get real with yourself so you can finally love others as you love yourself.

Silence the fear to cop-out and quit, make those adjustments so that you can keep running. Drop off any extra baggage, kick pride out (you are NOT God or “a god” nor are you a victim or an unworthy slave), you are a child of God.

Begin to take the steps to get you back in REAL relationship with Jesus. Use your voice again and believe that you are beloved.

This is the truth that has become timeless in my various seasons. The Lord always leads me back to Him (@ creation, @the cross, @ the tomb) then to the real me, so I can love the real you.

This truth will set you free, but it will cost everything. Don’t worry though, and stop second guessing.

We are a worthy investment.

Below: first photo: this past Thursday at our community night

second, third, fourth, and fifth-a collection from the middle where the Lord keeps leading me back to me.

I love me.

I listen to me.

I lead me.

I like me.

Because Jesus thinks I was worth dying for.

Matthew 25: 14-30

Colossians 3